Dental Horoscopy

Taurus (April 20-May 20): The energy and enthusiasm you sense at the start of your day will soon be
displaced by the unbearable deeps of mouth cavity x-ray hell at your a.m.
dental appointment–the first with a new dentist.  You’ll consider
requesting an x-ray of your mangled kneepulp while they’re at it but then
realize that you couldn’t ask if you wanted to because the sharp-edged x-ray
tabs are so firmly lodged in the soft tissue beneath your tongue that the
salty tears of death-in-a-dental-chair are welling up. Ten images
left…ninth one, bite down…hold.
  At your initial appointment, a
"consultation" involving x-rays and an exam, you’ll learn of an afternoon
cancellation–a 2:00 p.m slot freed up for you to return later for a cleaning.
Sweet luck, because otherwise you’d have to wait to April to get your smilers
degunked and shined.  You’ll accept the appointment.  On returning to
the densist’s chair later in the day, another hygienist will make small talk
with you while going hyper-jab-wild with the small metal hook-scraper, knitting
those healthy gums into a slick bloodrow of wrecked mouthflesh. Your only
comfort will be her bringing up the Superbowl, the weather, the approach of
Valentine’s Day, and the visit to her daughter’s school last week to kick off
this, Dental Hygiene Month. Meanwhile the smooth
and timeless sounds of Lionel Ritchie ("Say You, Say Me") and Joe Cocker ("You
Are So Beautiful") merge into soothing synch with the scratch-scratch of steel hooks grinding
against enamel.

You’re everything I hoped for
You’re everything I need
You are so beautiful to me
You are so beautiful to me


  1. confirmation number 2,543,854 of why I don’t like to go to the dentist for any reason whatsoever. Dentists have no hearts.

  2. Those are a lot of reasons; I don’t have nearly so many (me, just 2 or 3k). But I too wish for only folks with heart to be jamming sharp metal objects in my mouth.

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