{"id":6327,"date":"2005-06-11T18:17:19","date_gmt":"2005-06-11T18:17:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.earthwidemoth.com\/blog\/2005\/06\/11\/the-almost\/"},"modified":"2023-10-06T16:53:41","modified_gmt":"2023-10-06T20:53:41","slug":"the-almost","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.earthwidemoth.com\/blog\/2005\/06\/11\/the-almost\/","title":{"rendered":"The Almost<\/i>"},"content":{"rendered":"\u23f3 Approximate reading time: <\/span> 2<\/span> mins<\/span><\/span>

Eight years ago today my mother died; nothing predicted it.  Although we never learned the deciding cause (off with causality, off with dogma), it was a defining day that I’ve mostly come to terms with. The day-marker is like an anniversary; it imposes a peculiar singularity of feeling (a lonely annuity): very few remember the deathdays of ordinary people (even D. and Ph. might not have felt the date had I not brought it up, and Ph. was there). This is not to say, by any means, that my mother was merely ordinary; instead, I like to think of life\u2014perhaps all lives\u2014as small-world extraordinary. The day-marker of death, in its singularity, fails to evoke a broad co-memory; it sparks only a local co-memory, reaching as far as the family<\/i>. And so this is most certainly the echo of a moment felt by my brother and dad, felt by mom’s siblings. Perhaps a few, close others.<\/p>\n

I don’t have a whole lot more to say, and I definitely don’t have the impulse to over-intellectualize the almost<\/i>. Barthes, in Camera Lucida<\/i>, writes about the almost<\/i>\u2014the paradoxical nearness\/distance that confronts him in a collection of photographs of his deceased mother.  I don’t have many photos of my mother, especially from the years immediately before she died. But the few I do possess lend an astounding credibility and accuracy to the experience Barthes describes.  Without understanding it in his terms, I was sensing the incompleteness of the image, as I still do, over and over.<\/p>\n

According to these photographs, sometimes I recognized a region of her face, a certain relation of nose and forehead, the movement of her arms, her hands.  I never recognized her except in fragments, which is to say that I missed her being<\/i>, and that therefore I missed her altogether. It was not she, and yet it was no one else.  I would have recognized her among thousands of other women, yet I did not “find” her.  I recognized her differently, not essentially. Photography thereby compelled me to perform a painful labor; straining toward the essence of her identity, I was struggling among images partially true, and therefore totally false.  To say, confronted with a certain photograph, “That’s almost the way she was!” was more distressing than to say, confronted with another, “That’s not the way she was at all.”  The almost<\/i>: love’s dreadful regime, but also the dream’s disappointing status\u2014which is why I hate dreams.  For I often dream about her (I dream only about her), but it is never quite my mother: sometimes, in the dream, there is something misplaced, something excessive: for example, something playful or casual\u2014which she never was; or again I know<\/i> it is she, but I do not see<\/i> her features (but we do see<\/i>, in dreams, or do we know<\/i>?): I dream about her, I do not dream her<\/i>.  And confronted with the photograph, as in the dream, it is the same effort, the same Sisyphean labor: to reascend, straining toward the essence, to climb back down without ever having seen it, and to begin all over again. (65-66)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u23f3 Approximate reading time: <\/span> 2<\/span> mins<\/span><\/span>Eight years ago today my mother died; nothing predicted it.  Although we never learned the deciding cause (off with causality, off with dogma), it was a defining day that I’ve mostly come to terms with.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[164],"tags":[400,399],"class_list":["post-6327","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-under_a_bushel","tag-barthes","tag-photography"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Almost - 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